Our Father..my father.
Last night during the Alpha session that I was leading, it was brought up by one of the group members that she finds it difficult to relate to God the Father, but not so with Jesus the Son. Her relationship with God was focussed largely on relationship with Jesus, as the father image can be difficult due to her previous relationship with her earthly father. This openness and honesty really got me to thinking and praying about this all too common theme. Fathers, earthly fathers are often the yardstick by which we measure many or all of our father-type relationships. How can one trust a father type figure, if our primary interactions with a father have been abusive, untrustworthy, or epitomized by fear? This is a question that deserves some attention and reflection, as I believe that this is more common than we would want to admit. I believe that confronting this issue is a key to a new kind of freedom that can be found in our relationship with God our Father.
To be honest, I hadn’t given this topic a lot of thought for many years. My relationship with my own father had been tumultuous, good in many ways, but sadly due to his alcoholism, erratic and often given to sudden over-the-top anger. I was well made aware that I was not good enough for the most part, but at other times I was praised by him for doing well. This kind of upbringing can cause so much harm, in that the child can never really know when it is safe to have fun with their dad because the mood could change very quickly. This can, and usually does lead to significant trust issues, not only with father type relationships, but with the majority of the relationships that the affected child will encounter throughout his or her life. This can include friendships, marital relationships, and parenting relationships with one’s children, thereby often carrying these trust and value issues onto the next generation, and on down the line. Yes, salvation and freedom is found in Jesus, but the hurts and psychological impacts of these sorts of damaged and damaging relationships can have long-lasting effects, which could span generations. For my part, when I was saved at the age of 20, I actively decided to do what God expected of me. I forgave my dad for all the tough times, for all the years of feeling a sense of turmoil and fear of what may be coming. I forgave him wholeheartedly, while apparently choosing to bury all the hurt and relational struggles. I denied that I was affected by this upbringing, as many people warned me that this is something I may have to deal with for all my life. Truth be told, it did have long lasting effects on my life and my relationships, and I did recognize this. It was difficult to confront these truths however, as it felt like unforgiveness and weakness, thereby perpetuating the self understanding of again, not being good enough. Earlier relationships for me, during my teens and twenties often felt like a roller coaster, or more likely a blender. Trust was such an issue for me that I would go for a week, a day or even an hour of feeling special and wanted by someone or a group of friends, only to suddenly come to the realization that they will abandon me once they find out who I really am. This led to a lot of lonely lunch periods at school, as I would actively try to avoid friends, not even being comforted by the fact that they would actively seek me out to spend time with me. I just felt that I was a burden to them. It’s a sense that can seem almost impossible to shake. It is a terrible and lonely feeling. The truth of the matter, upon looking back is that I actually had a good number of friends, many of whom told me time and again that I was their best friend. It always felt good to hear that, but that sense of well-being couldn’t last. It always came back to the understanding that I wasn’t good enough and was a burden to others. I sometimes wonder if these emotional highs and lows are actually more detrimental than a persistent low. Probably not, but I do think that the fluctuations in one’s emotions must have a very unique damaging effect on those who are dealing with them.
I believe that I discovered a little bit deeper how my relationship with my dad had affected my relationship with God my Father about five years ago. My marital relationship had come to an abrupt, astonishing, and very painful end, leaving me very much alone. In my grief and extreme turmoil, I decided that I needed to surround myself with very good people, no matter how difficult that may be, and to spend as much time in God’s word and in prayer as I possibly could. One thing that I discovered, but haven’t thought a lot about until that Alpha discussion last night was that for quite awhile, in my prayer times, I really had to force myself to call God “Father”. It just seemed so unnatural to me, but I knew that in my time of utmost bereavement, I really needed to develop my relationship with God my Father, so I forced myself to use those words in prayer. I forced myself to see God as the Father that He truly is. Not a person, given to emotions, past baggage, addictions or even fluctuating feeling and love for others. No…He is constant, He is always and entirely good, He is full of love and compassion for us…for me always. I know that I fall short in providing stability and comfort to many around me at times, as we all do. I apologize for this in advance, but it is simply fallen human nature that ensures this. God, our Father is not subject to the frailty, addictions, anger issues or untrustworthiness that are a part of being human. He’s a good, good Father! I pray that anyone who is dealing with these past struggles, leading to difficulties with trust, particularly with God the Father would find ways and people who will help them to navigate this. God is always at work to bring us into that Father/child relationship. Trust Him. He loves you so so much! He lovingly made us as He wanted us to be, which is even more close and loving than even a father/child relationship can be with an earthly father.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my
mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it.
Psalm 139:13-14 NLT
